|past the point of no return; i saw your face
||[Jan. 11th, 2006|01:28 am]
No Going Home
Running into Connor outside the house was far more akward than I could ever imagine. It wasn't me at the wheel when all those things with Connor happened but that thing I gave birth to used what I was, who I was and the memories I recovered are dicey at best. Still, seeing Connor tugs at parts of my heart that ache for the loss of his innocence and how much he had to go through long before I was possessed and how much I put him through. It not being me doesn't really make any of that guilt away. Oh god I'm becomming Angel with the brooding. Someone stop me. |
I finally managed to convince him to come inside instead of going out for more blood to stain his hands, metaphorically speaking of course.
I needed to see Angel, after everything I'd been through 'up there' and everything I was feeling I just needed to see him. So I could remind myself why I gave up eternal rest. I wasn't really questioning the decision because hello no one could do the job better than Cordelia Chase but I felt that little voice inside that told me that seeing him would change everything.
When have I ever listened to that little voice? I've never been the one to overthink either which is why I'm having so much trouble. See, think, say and do is pretty much how Cordelia Chase operates. I feel like I might find my purpose again, while I don't regret giving my life to the powers to help Angel I do regret not being able to do more. What help did I do him in the long run, sure there was the vision about the black thorn but the powers would have gotten that to him somehow even if it hadn't been me. The kiss was just an added bonus.
Connor led the way inside because despite all my bravado at being back, I'm scared. First of all I don't want to be called some clone or shapeshifter or something else entirely random. I certainly hate having to explain myself more than just about anything. Also dealing with Skank the Vampire slayer really isn't my idea of fun.
Connor opened the door to the house and called out before turning back to me with an odd expression on his face. Maybe I wasn't the only one who was feeling a bit akward about this little reunion. Cordelia Chase does not get nervous, I'm above it; only not exactly because my heart is pounding in my chest so hard that I can actually hear it in my ears and that has nothing to do with my half demon-ness either. Seeing Angel again after all this time, even though time moves differently 'up there' is nerve wracking and I hate it because it is not a me thing. I don't get this way, sweaty palms and that deep rooted insecurity at the pit of my stomach. Just one more thing to thank Buffy for, stupid speechifying little slay-whore. Ok, see now that made me feel better, which should actually make me feel bad since I'm suppose to be over all that pettiness but I'm really not completely, especially after well yeah I'm just going to forget about it and move on. Because, I won the right to be here and Buffy is not going to ruin it for me.
I have no idea how long I stood there staring at Connor, both of us at a loss for what to do, even though the most pressing issue is me not having my head taken off by say Angel thinking I'm not me? That's a good place to start. After a minute or two I just sighed.
"So do you think you can go get him?" I asked Connor with a smile, he didn't look entirely happy with that suggestion but I didn't want to go searching the house for Angel and Connor could smell him, which ok now thinking about that is a bit too ew for my tastes so lets not go back there.
"Yeah," He responded finally and disappeared to some other part of the house. I looked a round for who knows how long before I heard two distinct voices coming my way. If I knew Connor well enough, he wouldn't have told Angel who was here because Angel wouldn't be likely to believe him. He's more of the see it to believe it type, most people are like that. Unless you count all the residents of Sunnydale who saw it and refused to believe it but really I'm only thinking about that to avoid the nerves.
Dammit. Cordelia Chase is stronger than this, she's strong and a fighter and looks really great in Versace.
When Angel and Connor entered the living room I felt the air leave my lungs for more reasons than I can even begin to describe. He looked horrible and great (because obviously seeing him in the flesh is much better than the view from upstairs) and part of me wanted to simultaneously hug him and smack the hell out of him for loosing himself so much that I had to come back in the first place, not that I didn't want to.
"You know, that brood face hasn't changed in 10 years. I at least expected a slight deviation."
[Open to Connor & Angel]